I am a master at dissociating. I have always felt more comfortable in chaos, where I used to find a sense of calmness. In that chaos, my instincts would kick in; I would disconnect from myself and the world around me just to survive. I used to think this ability was a strength, but now I realize how long I lived in survival mode. When I wasn’t in that state, I often felt lost, mindlessly staring at the television for hours, unable to understand why my body felt so numb. 😶

Then, something changed. I accidentally discovered a healing path when I started teaching deep calm breathing and stretching at the gym I owned. One of my favorite parts was the ending stretch and calming session. I loved calming people and watching them drift off to sleep. I remember a moment when I was stretching with a class from the Union Mission. A counselor from the Union Mission approached me after class and said, “Wow, I have never seen them so calm.” The thank-you letters I received from those women brought me immense joy, but what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was healing myself too. 🙏

By teaching that class, I was regulating my own emotions, unknowingly learning what true calmness felt like. It’s like being healthy or happy; if you don’t know what it feels like, how can you know that feeling even exists? But what I did know was that I wanted more of that calmness and peace. Taking time to retreat from the world was just what I needed. A cocoon stage. I had to look within, to heal, and to be fully present for my family. ❤️

One day, I woke up with a thought: “How many blessings am I missing out on because I am not connecting to God?” I had tried doing everything my way, and the result was a shell of a person. Someone who struggled to connect with her own heart and found it difficult to connect with others. And that is the essence of our time on earth: learning about love. Loving God with all your heart, mind, and soul, and loving others as yourself. If you don’t know how to love yourself, that’s where the real work begins. 🙋🏼‍♀️

I often asked God to search my heart and help me. In my most stressful moments, I would repeat the Lord’s Prayer because I was so empty and overwhelmed that I lacked the words for anything else. Through God’s immense mercy and grace, He slowly opened my eyes. Shining light into eyes. Shining light into my heart as He worked on it. Giving me confidence to listen to the heart beats. And calmness and patience on the journey. He showed me that our main goal is to love. Learning how to do it and spreading that love like wildfire, starting with our families. This is the main goal. This pursuit not only enriches our lives but also enhances our communities. It’s about tapping into the unimaginable power of God and asking for His guidance, without limits. 🤩

And with the journey, I no longer feel calmness in chaos. My body actually no longer feels comfortable in that space. I have learned quickly how to put up boundaries when I need them. I have also learned that now, now that I know what peace feels like, it is what I seek. If the path brings me peace, I will happily go, even if we hit some bumpy spots. I know that with God, all things are possible. 💜

Matthew 6:9-13 

Matthew 19:26